One of those questions every newly married couple gets asked all the time. ‘So when will you have a baby?’ What year is it again? A lot of women actually want a career, to travel and do… well, everything you can’t do once you have a baby. What’s wrong with that? Nothing, apart from all I ever wanted was my own family. I wanted to be the most amazing Mum just like my own Mum was to me. She was my hero and best friend but passed away when I was 16.
A year after the big day and still being asked the same old question, the reply changed to ‘No I don’t want any kids right now.’ So that’s when the lies began and so did the pain. What was wrong with me, why can’t I carry a baby? I don’t feel like a real woman. I can’t give my husband what he wants. Those were on the good days, the list goes on!
So we started the long infertility road. Years started to pass, mega holidays taken to make the most of ‘us time’. A new addition to the family a puppy to help fill the void. Test after test and knowing that it’s just down to me. It’s was time to dig a little deeper and have an operation to see what’s really going on.
After 5 years I was done. I hated kids, I hated pregnant people wanted to avoid at all costs. It was hard when friends and family just fall pregnant so easily. Some treated you oddly, some were trying to thrust it in you face and then the amazing friends who just were normal. Treated me normal! Thank god for you, keeping me sane.
Mostly I hated people taking pregnancy or children for granted. I was sick to death of forums talking through ICSI, IVF, IUI and infertility test and procedures I’d had. How many DPT you are, signs you look out for, how many injections you’ve now done, the endless countdowns to endless heartaches. The feeling of loss, those little ones that could have been. Those dates you’d calculated… future you’d dreamed of. It had taken over my life, every single day the heartache that if you haven’t been through you just won’t truly understand. It had torn me apart, it torn my marriage apart. Neither of us knew how to cope with it all anymore.
You hear those endless stories of you have to keep going, it’ll happen when you least expect it. Well after 6 and half years I wanted to tell them to stick it where the sun doesn’t shine. I was defeated, I was done resigned to, if I ever wanted a family I’d one day adopt. If the time was right and it was possible. Then it happened, everything fell inline and I was pregnant. I was now one of those women that I hated. One of the luckiest and most scared women alive.
So next time you see a newly married couple, think again before asking!